I can't stand the smell
by comfortablycurious
Summary: Sometimes Clint can understand Bucky , but other times he can't. Then there are times when words are not spoken and things aren't specified, but he knows what Bucky is saying, he knows how he feels. Rated k


Sometimes Clint can understand Bucky , but other times he can't. Then there are times when words are not spoken and things aren't specified, but he knows what Bucky is saying, he knows how he feels. This particular incident begins on a rather quiet day in the tower. Stark is off at some party with the other avengers, and Clint opted to stay home due to a nasty little stomach bug that'd bothered him on and off since his last mission a few days ago.

For once Steve had actually gone to the party because of this, instead of insisting on his staying home for Bucky, but eventually he left, and things were quiet.

Clint had just taken a new round of pills, drinking some soda to help soothe his stomachache, when he heard a crash coming from Bucky's room, followed by a wail of anger and pain. Setting down his glass, he slowly made his way up, clutching his stomach on the way there.

Opening the door, he stepped back, surprised at the relative neatness of the bedroom, for once the bed was at least partially made, with a neat bedspread, but pillows strewn about. And the floor was desolate of random pieces of clothes or books. He was about to leave when he heard the crash again, followed by the sound of running water. Clint knocked on the bathroom door adjacent to Bucky's armoire

"You ok?" He half yelled. A cry and moan responded.

"I'm fine, just leave" the crying continued.

"Please"

Clint opened the door, and was met with a hard slap from Bucky's human hand. He fell to the floor and vomited as Bucky began to shake.

"I-I'm sorry, Clint I just- please just go" Bucky stuttered as Clint sat up. He let his head clear and noticed the mess in the bathroom. Liquid soap and scented oils spilled all over the floor and in Bucky's hair and body. He noticed the shower was running as well as the sink. Realization dawned on Clint as Bucky started crying again and furiously rubbing soap and oil into his skin.

"It's the smell isn't it..." He murmured. Bucky looked up, tears beginning to spill over his cheeks again, he shakily nods his head.

"How do you know?" He chokes out.

"When I woke up from Loki's spell that was the first thing on my mind. I asked Natasha and I'll ask you, and I know the answer. I know what it's like, for someone to play with your brain. Pull you out and use your body like a marionette puppet..." Clint sighs. Bucky sits down on the edge of the bathtub, still shaking and dripping with oil, soap, and sweat. He nods again.

"I look at Tony, I look at Steve, Sam, and all I see are people who are sure, they're sure that what they're doing is entirely their actions, and I see myself and all I see is the blood of those I killed, and I try to wash it off but I can still feel it I can still-" Clint cuts him off.

"You can still smell it, right? You still can't get the smell and the taste of blood out of your mind, because they don't know what the hell they're talking about. They think you need to be fixed, and I can tell you're trying to believe that too but it just doesn't work. I know from experience. You need to make it a part of you. When people ask about what you've done, own it, but I'm not saying for you to wear it like a badge. I'm saying you don't need to hide from it. And that's what gets rid of the smell. I know it's never gonna truly go away, but if you wake up, smile, and know that you're a different person, a better person, because you don't let your past define you, then that's what'll turn the smell of blood from a stinking trap into a lesson, a lesson for you to learn from and to teach to others, that's what's gonna turn you into the man you want to be," Bucky nodded, taking a deep breath, and sniffing a few times. He smiled, and Clint enjoyed that smile.

"Smile like that, Bucky, do it every morning, it's okay if you fuck up because I'll be there to help you back up. Whatever anyone says, whatever I may do, just know that you're not alone, and that I do understand, and I'm willing to help, because it's hell to go through something like that on your own." Clint stood up, confident that his stomach had settled a bit, and gave Bucky a hug. And hell, Bucky definitely appreciated that hug. He let Clint help him clean up the bathroom, letting him clean himself up too.

"I'm going to my room to get some rest, but you can come over anytime, okay?" Clint said as Bucky got settled under his bedsheets and curled up with a sock monkey he'd bought.

"Okay..." Bucky murmured. Clint started to leave the room, when Bucky called out.

"Clint?" Bucky smiled. Clint turned.

"I think the smell is going away,"


End file.
